Hello, and Welcome to another week of the Twin Cities Figo League, home of the finest in Guild Ball commentary and your premier source of 3′ x 3′ violent medieval soccer. Today is a match between the home Fishermen and the dreaded Alchemists’ Guild, coached by Mason and captained today by none other than the mysterious Smoke!
The Alchemists threaten to flood the board with a lot of templates, conditions, and general nastiness against the Fishermen, who look to one of their Union reinforcements to counter this postential, as Hemlocke makes her Figo League debut for the Fishermen. After a pathetic performance by the Fish in their ghetto-rigged Attrishermen list, Shark returns to lead his team.
Across the pitch from them is a team which frankly, are an almost complete unknown – they throw a lot of templates around the pitch, from smoke bombs to poison clouds to turning Fish into Golden statutes – anything could be possible from the Alchemists squad!
The Alchemists are fielding their goalie! A great choice against the Fishermen and their excellent pair of strikers, making this a match up sure to excite the fans on both sides! Will Compound make the difference? The official flips a coin, and Shark smiles after speaking some form of gibberish, leading the official to conclude he has won the toss. The Fishermen elect to receive!
Vitriol steps forward and puts a boot to it, putting the ball out on the left flank, where it’s fielded by the Union (wo)man Hemlocke on the trot and then slung over to Shark, who waits menacingly. As the Alchemists’ guild sprints and jogs forward, they’re surprised to see their striker, Vitriol, impaled by Kracken’s harpoon and pulled well out of position before being knocked off of her feet by the Big Fisherman!
Shark whispers some words into the Fisherman rookie Angel’s ear, and then surges her forward and slings the ball into her hands. Smoke teleports(!!!) forward into a smoke cloud and supports her striker, Vitriol, in the battle against Kraken. As Salt and Siren jog up the right flank, they’re matched by Mist and Venin on the Alchemist’s left. Vitriol stands up, slaps Kracken to attempt to dodge away, then pops more smoke over the tangle of her, Smoke, and Kracken, taking that fight out of the crowd’s view! Angel seizes the opportunity, dashing forward nimbly, then super kicking the ball past the outstretched arms of Compound! The goal kick goes out on the left flank to Mist, and Flask trots forward to end the round. 4-0 Fishermen!
Mist passes the ball to . . . Siren? He must have been seduced by her beauty, as she then slings the ball over to Salt to hang onto. Smoke appears out of nowhere to try to take the ball off the Fisherman mascot, but is unable to, as the nimble otter avoids the tackle and takes a slash instead! Salt attempts to kick the ball to Angel with the most adorable little flip, but is unable to, and the ball scatters out ahead of the striker. Compound and Venin are unable to reach the ball, opting instead to change their position – they were not a big part of this turn’s plans for the Alchemists! A strange smell is emanating from Compound, however!
Kracken swings his big harpoon twice, knocking Vitriol and Flask back off their feet and preventing them from going to get the ball. On the wing, Mist presses forward, putting pressure on Siren as the two renew a duel as old as time: Mist expresses the fury he has at losing the ball by attempting to kill his rival, but fails as Siren is able to take heart by Kracken’s nearby presence and Mist is lost in the beautiful Fisherman’s eyes. Wait – where’d Mist go?
In the middle of the pitch, Hemlocke and Shark tag team Vitriol in the midst of a cloud of what appears to be poison, created by the Union Witch. It does not look good for the Alchemist Striker, who is staggering on her feet at the end of the round as she defends herself with a few strikes against Shark.
Flask stands up and hopes the big Fisherman isn’t paying attention as he heads over to snap the ball where it lies nearby. His hopes are crushed, however, as he’s met by the butt end of a harpoon which knocks him to the ground. He can only watch as Angel swings around the end of Compound’s mysterious, foul odor, snapping the ball and then striking it to rattle home a second goal for the Fishermen from the edge of the forest!
Vitriol stands up, looking considerably the worse for wear, as the goal kick heads out to Venin on the left flank. 8-0 Fishermen!
Looking to get something started, Venin passes the ball ahead of him to Mist who. . . Siren again! The Union man has fallen for her charms for a second time and she swings the ball over to Shark in a dangerous area in the middle of the pitch!
Before he can go anywhere, Vitriol knicks the ball off him and passes it over to her captain, Smoke! Hemlock, free of the tangle in the middle of the pitch, heads over to attempt to knick the ball from Smoke’s feet and does so, but has no energy left to make a pass! Venin trots up the wing – complete lack of influence on this match from this Alchemist. Kracken knocks Vitriol off her feet for a third time, then heads off to support Siren and block Mist from reaching her and finishing her off.
Smoke takes the ball back and disappears in a puff of smoke, leaving Hemlocke bewitched for a change! She reappears, and the ball is in the net faster than the Fishermen can realize what has happened! The Alchemists are on the board! 8-4 Fishermen!
The goal kick heads out towards the middle of the pitch, where Vitriol lays at the feet of Shark. Shark sprints over, snapping the ball as he does so then running up besides Angel. The Fishermen captain shoots . . . Scores! It’s all over. Shark and Angel high five! 12-4 Fishermen!
Well, Bob, the pundits will certainly be talking about this goalfest for days. Costly goal kick mistakes for the Alchemists really hurt them in this one. A complete lack of takedowns is unusual for a Guild Ball match, but the extreme range of the Fishermen strikers allowed them to avoid the Alchemist goalie and the world of hurt he brings to the table.
And of course, there’s the lingering question – did Smoke score too early? And of course, the postgame handshake’s coldness – the Fishermen coach’s unwelcome advice throughout the game understandably rubbed the Alchemists the wrong way!